(as rendered by Camwyn, a.k.a. J. the Honourary Canadian)
AINULINDALE: God said 'let there be dudes', and there were dudes, and they sang together and it made the world, but the coolest dude of all got stinky and tried to sing his own stuff, and it sucked, and he got kicked out and he's the source of all bad things. The end.
VALAQUENTA: Tolkien's scorecard for keeping track of which of the Valar has which powers and influences. The end.
QUENTA SILMARILLION: Originally there was no sun and moon. There were lamps. The dude who got kicked out destroyed the lamps. Everyone else who sang the original music fled. They created a pair of trees that gave light. The bad guy got a giant spider to help him kill the trees, but Feanor had made jewels that held the trees' light in them. The bad guy stole them. The ENTIRE FRIKKIN WORLD spent the next several thousand years alternating between building civilization and trying to get them back. A mortal man got one back as bride-price for his elven wife, but he and the elf died eventually. Then his great-grandson got hold of the jewel and sailed into the west and got the dudes who sang the original music to show up with a serious army and kick the bad guy's ass, and they took away the other two jewels, but the sons of Feanor who were left stole them again. Only they were no longer worthy so one committed suicide and the other threw his jewel in the sea. The end.
AKALLABETH: The humans who helped the elves in the war over the jewels got a continent all of their own and re-enacted the story of Atlantis, right down to becoming wicked and challenging the gods and ARRRGH sploosh. The few good ones all got in boats and fled to Middle-Earth before this happened. The ones in charge of the boats were Aragorn's ancestors. After this happened the world became round and nobody but the Elves could find Valinor (where the original singers are) again. The end.
OF THE RINGS OF POWER: The elves in Middle-Earth after the war made stuff. Sauron showed up in disguise and helped them make rings of power. Then he made his own ring. Then all the events of The Lord of the Rings happened. Then the elves left and went back to Valinor. The end.
(Originally posted here.)