HORATIO: Dude. Good to see you.
BERNARDO THE GUARD: Yeah, whatever. It's cold, it's nearly dawn, and I'm seeing
ghosts.
HORATIO: Um. . .
MARCELLUS: Like that one?
HORATIO: Aiee!
HAMLET: Dude, I was totally grooving at Wittenberg. This had better
be worth it.
CLAUDIUS: Hi! Your dad's dead. I'm King now!
HAMLET: . . .
GERTRUDE: Hi! I married your uncle!
CLAUDIUS: Who is me!
HAMLET: . . . !
LAERTES: Since you're not going anywhere any time soon, can I buy the other
half of your round-trip ticket? I wanna start back to Paris now.
HAMLET: ARRRGH!
HORATIO: H-dog, we gotta talk. Your dad's still hanging around the castle.
HAMLET: But he's-
HORATIO: Dead, yeah, I know. Look, if it's not him then you've got a serious
ghost impersonator problem, okay?
LAERTES: Hey, sis. How's the old love life?
OPHELIA: Hamlet. He's so dreeeeeamy.
LAERTES: Um, yeah. You do know he's probably just trying to get into
your skirts?
POLONIUS: Son! There you are!
LAERTES: Arrgh. Dad, I gotta pack-
POLONIUS: Let me give you some advice. And then some more advice. And then even
more advice.
LAERTES: There is no horse or boat in the WORLD that can possibly get me out
of this damn castle fast enough.
POLONIUS: Ophelia? What are you swooning about?
OPHELIA: Hm? Sorry, I was remembering the cutest thing Hamlet said the other
day-
POLONIUS: Honey, he's a prince, not a boy band singer. Find someone
you can actually date safely, okay?
HAMLET: It's late. And cold.
MARCELLUS: That's what I said.
HORATIO: Shaddap. We got us a ghost to-
EVERYONE: AAAAAAAAH THERE IT IS!
HAMLET: Dad?
GHOST: *wanders off*
HAMLET: *follows*
HAMLET: Dad? Seriously?
GHOST: Yep.
HAMLET: Whoa.
GHOST: Word.
HAMLET: So why-
GHOST: Because it's hard to strangle my murdering brother with insubstantial
ghostly fingers. Go commit some bloody vengeance, okay?
HAMLET: God, Uncle C., you *suck*. *So*. *Bad*.
GHOST: Attaboy.
POLONIUS: Reynaldo, here's the money and a ticket to Paris. Stay on my boy's
trail, okay?
REYNALDO: Sure, whatever.
OPHELIA: DAAAAAAD! HAMLET'S GONE BUGNUTS! I THINK HE'S IN WITHDRAWAL!
CLAUDIUS: My stepson's gone bonkers. You two are his best friends, right?
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN: Oh yeah. We go way back.
CLAUDIUS: Great. Keep an eye on him for me?
POLONIUS: Sire! We've got ambassadors! Also I know why Hamlet's lost it!
GERTRUDE: Could it possibly be that his father died and someone else took his
place on the throne of Denmark? Or the bit about me marrying the guy who stole
the throne out from under his nose? Or the part where that guy happens to be
his uncle?
POLONIUS: . . . er, no, that's not it. . .
AMBASSADOR: Bet I can deliver all my news in one breath.
CLAUDIUS: Go for it.
AMBASSADOR: Okay, Fortinbras put the smackdown on Poland and got yelled at by
the king of Norway and had to promise not to make scary noises at Denmark and
got an increased allowance for it and he's gonna go smack Poland around some
more and here, it's all in this letter. *wheeze*
POLONIUS: Yeah, international affairs of state, whatever. Hamlet's not getting
any, that's the problem.
HAMLET: Hi, I'm nuts.
POLONIUS: I'll try to have a conversation with you anyway.
HAMLET: Even nuts I can still talk circles around you. Neener!
R&G: Hamlet! Dude!
GUILDENSTERN: O, there has been much throwing about of brains.
HALMET AND ROSENCRANTZ: . . .
GUILDENSTERN: No, really, it's in the script.
ACTORS: Hi!
HAMLET: Eeeee! Actors! Dance for me, little man!
ACTORS: Okay!
HAMLET: You guys go with Polonius. I have a cunning plan.
CLAUDIUS: So, about Hamlet-
R&G: Not cooperating.
CLAUDIUS: Argh!
HAMLET: Death! Murder! Suicide! Action!
OPHELIA: Hiiiiiii Hamlet!
HAMLET: God, you're pathetic.
OPHELIA: You're MEAN! *bursts into tears*
CLAUDIUS: Okay, that was freaky. Get him out of my country.
HAMLET: Here, can you do the play like this?
ACTORS: God, this reads like an episode of Scooby-Doo.
HAMLET: Here comes the audience!
ACTORS: A king! And a queen! And a murder! And a- hey, where's Claudius going?
HAMLET: It worked it worked it worked!
R&G: You know, you really stink sometimes.
HAMLET: Oh, like you two aren't the biggest couple of tools to walk the face
of the Earth.
POLONIUS: Hamlet-
HAMLET: Don't get me started on you, old man.
POLONIUS: Well! I never!
HAMLET: I think I'll go yell at Mom.
CLAUDIUS: That play was nasty. I want him out of here yesterday.
R&G: Okay.
CLAUDIUS: Unaccustomed sensation of guilt. I gotta pray now.
HAMLET: Eee! A sitting target!
CLAUDIUS: *prays*
HAMLET: But he'll go to heaven if I kill him now! So I won't kill him yet. *leaves*
CLAUDIUS: Damn, I still feel guilty.
EVERY VIKING ANCESTOR OF HAMLET'S, EVER: D'oh!!
POLONIUS: Hi Gert!
GERTRUDE: Quick, hide!
HAMLET: Mom? Have I told you how much you suck?
GERTRUDE: Hamlet, you're scaring me.
POLONIUS: And me!
HAMLET: Ack! *dispenses stabbity death*
POLONIUS: Thud.
HAMLET: Oh crap.
GERTRUDE: . . .
HAMLET: As long as I've got your attention, can I tell you how cool Dad was?
GERTRUDE: . . .
HAMLET: And how much it stinks that you MARRIED THE GUY WHO STOLE MY THRONE?
GHOST: *ahem*
HAMLET: Oh, right, mission creep, sorry.
GERTRUDE: . . . who are you talking to?
HAMLET: Never mind. I gotta go to England. *walks off with corpse*
CLAUDIUS: Polonius?
GERTRUDE: Dead.
R&G: Where's the corpse?
HAMLET: Ain't tellin'.
CLAUDIUS: DAMMIT BOY WHERE IS THAT CORPSE?
HAMLET: Under the lobby stairs. Geez, you're no fun.
CLAUDIUS: Whatever. You're still going to England. Rosencrantz? Take these letters
with you and don't be too surprised if Hamlet comes home dead, okay?
FORTINBRAS: Can I go through Denmark on the way to SQUASH POLAND FLAT?
HAMLET: Okay, now that's what I call a prince.
LAERTES: I heard this- ha, ha, you're gonna love this- this rumor that my dad
is dead. And that my sister is nuts.
CLAUDIUS: Funny you should mention that. . .
OPHELIA: *wanders around singing*
LAERTES: ARRRGH!
HAMLET: Dear Horatio, we were attacked by pirates and I decided I didn't wanna go to England after all. R&G can go on without me. I'm coming home.
CLAUDIUS: Laertes, I like you, so I'll give you a crack at revenge.
LAERTES: GRR! LAERTES SMASH!
CLAUDIUS: Right idea, but if you just tone it down a few notches-
LAERTES: *deep breaths* All right.
GERTRUDE: Um. Laertes? Your sister. Um. She drowned.
LAERTES: ARRRGH!
CLAUDIUS: Nice one, Gert, I just got him talked down.
DIGGERS: *wacky graveyard comedy*
HAMLET: *philosophizes*
ENTIRE COURT: *weeps*
HAMLET: Wha. . .?
HORATIO: Oh, crap, Ophelia's funeral.
HAMLET: She's dead?
LAERTES: There you are! YOU KEELED MY FATHAIR PRAYPAIR TO DIE!
EVERYONE ELSE: *pries them apart*
HAMLET: . . .okay, so, I stole the letters from my bestest friends ever and
I gave them different letters and they're gonna die and not me HA HA
HA HA you aren't laughing Osric.
OSRIC: Sorry. The King sent me to tell you he wants to see some swordfighting.
HAMLET: 'Swords' and 'King' in the same sentence. Ooo.
LAERTES: No hard feelings, right, H.?
HAMLET: Nah. Let's fight.
LAERTES: *pokes HAMLET with sword* Ow! Dropped my sword.
HAMLET: Use mine, I'll use yours.
LAERTES: But-
HAMLET: *pokes LAERTES with sword*
LAERTES: Oh crap.
GERTRUDE: *drinks wine*
CLAUDIUS: Um, sweetie, I sorta doped that.
HAMLET: Laertes, you don't look so good.
LAERTES: That would be the poison. On the sword. The one I stabbed you with.
*dies*
GERTRUDE: That was really bad wine. *dies*
HAMLET: . . . !!!
CLAUDIUS: . . . oh crap.
HAMLET: *stabs CLAUDIUS* And finish the goddamn wine you throne-stealing bastard!
CLAUDIUS: Ow! *dies*
HORATIO: Okay, that was just vile.
HAMLET: Don't you go dying, okay? Someone has to do the reporting.
HORATIO: Okay.
HAMLET: *dies*
FORTINBRAS: Wow, this is what I call convenient. MY country. MINE.
HORATIO: You and what army?
FORTINBRAS: The one I brought with me.
HORATIO: Oh.
FORTINBRAS: But I'm feeling magnanimous. Let's give the prince a really cool
burial, okay?
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