This posting came about as a result of being mistaken for Canadian when I was in Alaska. It happened even after I stopped wearing the hat that said "RCMP - GRC - POLICE" on it, so I figure I must be doing something that gives off Canadian vibes... anyway. Here's a bit of a list.
Start by finding something about Canada that you definitely, genuinely like. It doesn't matter what it is. There has to be at least one thing about the nation that you really, really like, or it won't work. It can be anything from one of their sports teams, to a city you visited, to the fact that they use sugar in their soda instead of corn syrup, to their beer. Doesn't matter. Pick something about the country that you really and truly like.
Now memorize the names of the provinces and territories. It isn't that hard. There's only ten provinces and three territories. You have to be able to recognize the names of provinces or else they'll spot you for an American in a second.
Provinces: British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Ontario, Québec, Newfoundland, Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island, New Brunswick.
Territories: Yukon Territory, Northwest Territory, Nunavut.
Bonus points for calling British Columbia 'BC' or knowing that officially it's 'Newfoundland and Labrador' - but you'll find people calling it that about as often as residents of Brooklyn, NY refer to their borough as 'Kings County', so don't worry too much. Provincial capitals are nice things to know but you don't need them necessarily, although you'll look like an ass if you get one wrong.
Now make damn sure you know that Ottawa is the national capital, Ontario is the province, and Toronto is the big city in Ontario that thinks it's New York. Toronto is also the provincial capital of Ontario. It is not, not, not the national capital. Make that mistake and they will laugh at you and tell you to go back to Texas.
Canadian money uses dollars and cents. Their coins are the penny, nickel, dime, quarter, loonie, and toonie; their bills start at $5 and occur in the same denominations as in the States. Canadian $1 coins made of yellow metal and are called loonies because there is Queen Elizabeth on one side and a loon on the other. $2 coins are called toonies or twonies because they are worth $2. They are made of a ring of silver metal around a smaller piece of yellow metal and have the Queen on one side and a bear (or two bears, or a commemorative design) on the other. It is no longer considered funny to say 'the Queen with the bare (bear) behind' about the toonie, nor is it considered interesting to slam them into hard objects or pavement just to make them pop apart.
Do not ever ever EVER ask for a $1 bill in Canada. They used to have them. They don't bother any more. Asking for a $1 bill will mark you as an American faster than wearing an I Heart George Bush t-shirt.
Get yourself some Canadian friends. For preference, there should be at least two from different provinces, and it works much better if at least one does not live in the most famous city of their province. Any ijjit can claim to know someone in Toronto or Vancouver, but being able to casually say 'oh, I know someone in Nanaimo' gives you a bit more cred, since most Americans have only ever seen the city name on a map in an old Expedia commercial. Being able to point to your friends' cities or towns of residence on a map is a definite bonus.
Learn the current prime minister's name. If you are talking to a Canadian and
they suspect that you are an American, they will ask you what you think of Prime
Minister Poutine. Should this happen, give them a Look and say you saw that
particular bit of Talking To
Americans, then say that while you have your disagreements with (insert
PM's name here), you think he's doing a decent job, or stinky, or whatever.
Right now the prime minister is a man named Jean Chretien. Find someone who
can pronounce the name and make them say it for you until you can pronounce
it reasonably correctly.
EDIT: As of 12 Dec. 2003, the Prime Minister of Canada is an entirely separate man named Paul Martin. His government took a big hit in the 28 June 2004 elections, but he's still in charge, even though he has to handle things among a coalition of political parties.
Carry on.
While it's perfectly okay for Canadians to like American music, it helps your overall impression if you like some distinctly Canadian musicians too. More importantly, if you know they're Canadian. Look up some Canadian bands and get to like at least one or two of their songs.
Learn metric. I cannot emphasize this enough. You need to know metric, or at least be able to do fast approximate conversions in your head, if you are going to pass as a Canadian. The numbers you need to know most are volume measures and distance measures, since most Canadians use feet and inches for things like height. Going 110 to 130 on the highway is fairly reasonable by the standards of speed-mad Americans and the occasional Québécois, since 110 kilometers per hour is around 65 mph (68.35, but really, why quibble). 3.2 miles comes out to around 5 kilometers. A standard can of soda or beer is 355 milliliters. They do not sell anything in quart measures, at least not in the English-speaking provinces; you can get a liter of (beverage) instead. You really need to know volume measures because that is how they charge for gas; gas looks cheap for all of two seconds when you're up there and see signs saying '83 cents regular unleaded'. This is not what it looks like. That's 83 cents a liter, and given an exchange rate of 1.3 Canadian dollars to the American dollar, it comes out to $2.42 American dollars the gallon for basic unleaded. Know when to gripe. Know metric.
Oh, yeah, when you write you need to remember that it's not 'color', 'flavor', 'honor', etc, but 'colour', 'flavour', and so on. Canadians use the letter 'z' more often than British people do - they're willing to spell it 'civilization' - but they often refer to it as zed. If you say 'zee' when reciting or singing the alphabet it may not necessarily give you away, but why take the chance? The rubber things on your car are spelled 'tires', but you buy them from a store called a 'Tire Centre'. Look up the rest yourself. You have been warned.
There are a number of Canadian-American word conflicts but they are not as numerous as British-American ones. It's still a truck, not a lorry - but in Canada the woolly thing you wear on your head in winter is a toque (get someone to pronounce it for you) and if someone asks about your Chesterfield they mean your couch, not your cigarette. A summer home or weekend home or other place you own or rent for vacation purposes is a cottage.
You occasionally hear 'about' pronounced 'aboat', but it's not as prominent as American imitators of Canadian accents would like you to believe. Neither is the use of 'eh?'. If you say 'eh?' instead of 'hmm?' or 'huh?' you're in good shape, but if you push it too far you sound like a damn fool hick. Also, do not say 'y'all'. I don't care where you're really from. Don't say it if you're trying to pass as Canadian, unless everything else about you screams 'Alberta'. For safety's sake, just don't say it at all.
Canadian foodstuffs- recognize at least some of them.
Learn a few Canadian political issues and decide on some kind of stand about them. You need to have an opinion about Québec, which keeps trying to leave - sort of. Look, I ran into a member of the Parti Québécois (the pro-independence people - scary bunch) in bloody Florida, so they're everywhere and you had better get used to it. You should probably have some kind of an opinion about SARS and Toronto, although that's relatively quiet now and not all that important. Acid rain is something else you need to know about, since it's a very big thing for them. You may want to learn a bit about the issues surrounding Aboriginal fishing rights, the territory of Nunavut, long-term drought in the prairie provinces (Alberta, Manitoba, Saskatchewan), and so on. Definitely look up the current Canadian position on any big international thing the U.S. has gotten itself involved in, because they will either ask you about your opinion or kvetch about the States' behavior, and either way you will need to at least know what the Canadians think even if you agree 100% with the American way of handling it.
Speaking of issues - even if you are in a political argument you are going to have to be reasonably calm and polite. You may have one issue that drives you to froth at the mouth, but that's it. Even really acrimonious debates in Canada are generally conducted calmly, which makes them even scarier than American ones. Which is scarier, someone yelling his fool head off on the O'Reilly Factor or someone very calmly saying to the press that the election would've succeeded if it weren't for all these damn immigrants, and meaning it? When you are not in political arguments you should still make an effort to be reasonably calm during big discussions. Sports, however, are an okay thing to get emotional over.
If you are wrong, or if you irritate someone, or if you ask a question and you are not quite sure how it will be received, apologize. A basic "I'm sorry" will do just fine. Since the perception of American manners is very poor, you will stand out as being less likely to be a Yank should you make a point of apologizing regularly. Don't do it too much or they'll think you're weird, but apologizing is generally a pretty good 'background radiation' thing to do.
Find out what both Toronto and Vancouver look like, because amazing amounts of American TV and movies are filmed in those two cities. You make a very convincing Canadian if you snigger at recognizable Canadian landmarks during X-Files episodes or Jackie Chan movies. Bulletproof Monk, however, is such a gimme that you only get Canadian cred points if you howl with laughter; they didn't bother hiding the Ontario license plates on the cars, a night shot of the city shows the CN tower, and at one point a character says "This is America!" while standing in front of Toronto City Hall.
I cannot say this enough: Do not pester the damn Mounties. Yes, their dress uniforms are very pretty and yes, you probably want a picture of one. They're police, okay? They want to do their jobs just like anybody else. They will pull your sorry ass over for speeding faster than you can say 'boo', just like a state trooper would in the States. And they'll do it wearing ordinary cop clothes that are not particularly photogenic, so deal with it. Unless you have a very compelling reason to want a photograph of a policeman (the equivalent of 'my brother was rescued from the World Trade Center and you're a New York City cop and I was hoping...'), leave the poor buggers alone and smile faintly at anyone who does bother then, for lo, the people doing the bothering are Tourists. And since you are passing as a Canadian, you are not a Tourist.
The Arrogant Worms, another excellent Canadian group, said it best in their opus "The Mountie Song":
When I was a kid I wanted to grow up and be cop in a
province town or county
I thought it would be great if someday I could only ever be a Mountie
I wanted to beat up crooks and make arrests because that's part of the profession
But now I sit on my horse and tell American tourists the Parliament's in session
I really don't look good in red and my stupid hat flies off my head in every
parade
I'm young and strong and have no fear but now I'm spending my career in motorcades
I wanna enforce the law
I wanna wear normal clothes
I don't wanna have to smile for diplomats' home videos
I'm good at working real hard
I should have joined the coast guard
Oh no, the RCMP
Is not the life for me
I used to think that a Mountie had to be honest, loyal, humble,
strong and thrifty
But even though we don't break ranks, we get no thanks, they took us off the
fifty (dollar bill)
On Sussex Drive in hallowed halls we act like guards
in shopping malls, it's such a pain
Like someone's plotting the assassination of the Minister
of Sports and Recreation, oh that's insane
Sometimes I just want to puke on Sergeant Preston of the Yukon, Dudley Do-Right's
such a jerk (Damn you, Snidely)
And though he tries with all his heart, my horse couldn't catch a shopping cart
Some days I hate to go to work
I wanna enforce the law
I wanna wear normal clothes
I don't wanna have to smile for diplomats' home videos
I'm good at working real hard
I should have joined the coast guard
Oh no, the RCMP
Is not the life for me
Trust me on this. As the only schlub on the Net writing Sergeant Preston of the Yukon fanfiction, I have been dealing with this for a while. Leave them in peace. They'll be grateful.
Coffee, donuts, and other products that Americans think of as coming from Dunkin' Donuts are generally procured from Tim Hortons in Canada. It's a nice chain, named after a dead hockey player, and their sandwiches are really good. You can get all kinds of scary donuts there (although they're not as scary as the ones from Krispy Kreme in the States). The coffee at Timmy's is rumoured to be the best in the country, the same way the coffee at Dunkin' Donuts is rumoured to be the best in the States. If you're suggesting you and a friend should go out for coffee, you'd be best off blandly saying, "Let's go to Timmy's." Other alternatives for coffee include Second Cup and *sigh* Starbucks, but Timmy's is the most popular of the choices.
You don't have to like it, necessarily, especially if you're female- but you should at least know the basics, or you'll set off a whole bunch of alarm bells when people mention the game in front of you and you get things wrong. It would be a very good idea for you to know a number of Canadian hockey team names, and to pick one you think you could like, and one you could grumble about. Maybe one or two really famous player names, too, but more than that probably isn't necessary. I mean, there's a lot of Americans who can't say more than that about baseball or American football. . . oh, and you really need to know that 'Hockey Night in Canada' is not a special event but a TV programme.
Learn half the national anthem. That's all. Just half. There are very few free countries I can think of where the average citizen knows the whole national anthem, or even an entire verse thereof. Learn the tune of the anthem so you can hum along with it or fake lipsync at sporting events, but words? All you need to know is the first few lines and the last few lines. Nobody ever learns the whole national anthem all the way through, so if you can get as far as 'true patriot love in all thy sons command' and pick it up again somewhere around 'O Canada, we stand on guard for thee' or a little before, you should be fine.
At least, if you're doing the English lyrics. The French lyrics are different. Be warned.
Anyone attempting to pass as an American should be aware that nobody actually sings the Star Spangled Banner unless they are being paid for it or are very very very very patriotic or drunk. The tune is nearly unsingable without a serious warm-up and the words just go on and on. Under no circumstances should anyone trying to pass for American learn more than the first verse, unless they are trying to get on a game show. Most Americans aren't even aware that their national anthem has more than one verse, let alone four. (One of the verses is no longer printed in most books, because it is incredibly insulting and warlike towards the British.)
For various reasons, lists of differences between Canada and the States are popular. Memorize a good chunk of one or more famous ones. The "Molson Rant" is a good choice; if the link I just gave doesn't work, you can probably find it by looking up the phrase "My name is Joe, and I am Canadian" on Google. Dave Foley, of Kids in the Hall, did a very good one on an episode of MAD TV but you must be able to cite him as the source. If you cannot memorize these things, then get hold of a Canadian TV program like This Hour Has 22 Minutes and watch a couple of episodes so that you can at least cite that; if nothing else, Canadians generally know things like, oooh, which of the provinces have access to the ocean and which don't, whereas most Americans could probably be made to say that you get real fine surfing in Alberta. (Hint: this is the equivalent of asking for the vast sandy deserts of Maine.)
Edit: Rather to my surprise, Maine has a tourist attraction that is, in fact, referred to as the 'vast and sandy DESERT of MAINE'. The equivalent to asking for the Everglades glacier then.
That's all I've got for the moment, folks. Let me know what you think.
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