Yours truly has watched one too many ripsnorting adventure movies involving stubbly guys and attractive gals running through all kinds of weird locales after who knows what with Lord only knows who hot on their tails. Can't help it. I was exposed to Raiders of the Lost Ark at a very young age and it kind of grew on me. I've seen the Evil Overlord List, and Things I'll Do If I'm Ever the Vampire/Hero/Sidekick/Girlfriend, and I saw How to Survive the Horror Movie long before Scream came out in theaters; well, here's one more list of that nature. If you wake up one morning and find yourself sharing a movie with someone like Indiana Jones, Rick O'Connell, or even Dr. Wai the King of Adventurers, you'd do well to keep these in mind...
If you enjoy this, feel free to point your friends at this link or pass it on, but 1. don't alter it in any way and 2. include the fact that this is ©2002 by J. McGeary, except for the references to other works of art and entertainment.
1. Under no circumstances should you show cowardice. Fear is okay, as long as you shake it off or use it to make yourself act in desperation. Cowardice is not. Cowards die. Badly.
2. If you, your spouse, or anyone in your family is in any way related to any kind of supernatural being - or has any kind of dealing with any supernatural being or power - or even was just the target of a supernatural being or power's attention in the past, don't name your child Alex. If you have to name the kid Alex, spend the time before the kid is born practicing anti-kidnapping and advanced rescue techniques.
3. Determine the prevailing mythos of your movie, and make sure at least two people in your party - preferably three - can both speak and read that mythos' language with a high degree of fluency.
4. And try to pick up the language of their neighbours and/or slaves while you're at it. Even if all the cultures involved are currently extinct, it may still be useful.
5. Sword fights are cool, and cool things happen in these movies; therefore learn to use a sword. A REAL sword. Not a fencing foil. A cut-your-head-off kind of sword.
6. Coolness is not everything. Learn to use a handgun, too.
7. After you're done with your pistol or revolver lessons, you're still not done. Learn to use the most popular distance weapon of your time - a hunting rifle will generally suffice prior to about 1940 or so, but there's nothing wrong with longbows either. You may have to save the life of someone who's doing something cool with the sword from rule #6.
8. Don't go back for the treasure.
9. If you're headed for your goal and encounter a room where the floor is alive with snakes, bugs, or any other kind of crawling creature, give real consideration to finding an alternative route. You might still have to cross the bugs - but you'll probably have to make a fast escape and you'll be much happier if you don't need to worry about running away from bugs as well as people and/or the Supernatural Menace.
10. If the Supernatural Menace has weaknesses, for God's sake, exploit them! As early and as often as possible!
11. "Just because someone's an ethnic minority doesn't mean they're not a nasty small minded little git" - Captain Samuel Vimes, via Lance-Constable Carrot.
12. Similarly, just because someone's an ethnic minority doesn't mean they're the dreaded Creepy Evil Person Who Uses Dark Lore Against You. They could very easily be your greatest ally. Learn to tell the difference before you open your mouth and say something stupid.
13. If you trust someone, trust them wholeheartedly, and make sure they know it. The ones who don't deserve your trust will spend too much time gloating when they betray you, and your righteous anger will enable you to get your revenge. The ones who do deserve it will repay you in a spectacular fashion before the end of the movie.
14. If someone in the party starts having visions or weird dreams of a previous time or a distant locale, start packing your bags. Make sure to include a good quality history or two and/or volumes of local lore.
15. Be good to your animals, even if they're horrible to you.
16. Have an open mind when it comes to methods of transportation.
17. In the words of the horror movie survival list, which was quoting someone else whose name I can't remember, "USE ENOUGH GUN."
18. When people start screaming and vanishing into rustling patches of grass, CLIMB. Go back to rule #7 and break out the ammo while you're at it; you're gonna need it.
19. If a local person who has spectacularly saved your life before indicates that you have some kind of supernatural power, role, or place in custom, listen to them.
20. Cliffs are dangerous places. So are broken balconies, the top decks of double-decker buses, highly visible staircases, and roofs.
21. Remember Sluggy Freelance before you put on any jewelry of unknown origin.
22. Be nice to old people, especially if they had useful skills once. It's amazing how many of them jump at the chance to relive their former glories.
23. Learn to pack really, really well.
24. Learn to drive anything that has a steering wheel.
25. Or a control stick.
26. Or whatever the hell that two-stick control mechanism was on the tank in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
27. Learn to swim. (Even if your movie takes place in the desert.)
28. And to hold your breath for extended periods of time.
29. Protect your legs. People get along fine with one hand, or one arm, or even one eye. However, people in these movies need both legs unless they get a really spectacular prosthesis.
30. Protect your neck and your gut even more. You might make it to the end of the movie with one leg and a nice chunk of treasure if you lose your leg spectacularly, but it's amazing how many villains will be good enough at sneaking up on you to cut your throat or stab you in the gut if you're not paying attention.
31. Study mythology during downtime.
32. Have nothing whatsoever to do with the Nazi Party. Well, other than fighting its members.
33. Check your shoes, hat, jacket, and anything else with pockets or sleeves before putting it on.
34. The Janey Malone Memorial Rule: It's amazing how often the gods listen when people offer to make bargains.
35. Get a set of very small weights, or some kind of spring device, and do as much strength training as you can for your fingers. Sooner or later you will end up hanging by them.
36. Similarly, practice grabbing and grasping slender, sweaty objects the size and shape of a human wrist. For preference, these objects should be attached to something that weighs around 150 lbs. 220 pounds, if you happen to be female. It's unfair, but women never seem to have to rescue other women from falling off the cliff into the river of fire that drops into the gorge of doom or whatever the hell the problem is this week. Get used to it.
37. Don't split up the party unless you can do it without the groups becoming smaller than two members each. If you have to split up, try and put two different personality types in each group. Preferably, not personality types that hate each other's guts.
38. Teach your children well.
39. Keep a civilized tongue in your head. The coolness factor outweighs any shock, disgust, or quizzical puzzlement the bad guy may exhibit at modern slang or profanity.
40. See a competent psychoanalyst or alienist and have yourself cured of all irrational phobias and hatreds beforehand. Do not, however, submit yourself to hypnosis in order to accomplish this.
41. If you can't get to a shrink, then be very, very careful about mentioning the phobia or hatred. It will come up again. Guaranteed.
42. Regardless of how rational or irrational it is, get rid of phobias about spiders, bugs, and snakes. There's just too many of them for you to go through life freaked every time they show up. Same deal for enclosed spaces.
43. Get your priorities straight. 1. Saving the world 2. Saving a loved one 3. Your own survival 4. Personal vengeance 5. Treasure is about right.
44. If the box/tomb/statue base/temple claims to be cursed, try not to be there when someone opens it. There may not be a Supernatural Menace at hand, but mundane boobytraps have killed better tomb raiders than you.
45. Watch out for any room that contains carefully arranged pillars, bookcases, or suits of armor that just happen to be evenly spaced in such a fashion that the top of one could smack into the body of the next.
46. Learn what food from all over the world is supposed to taste and smell like. You'll be prepared when villagers offer you scary dishes, but more importantly, you'll notice when someone slips something weird into your own food, even if you're dining on Klingon bloodworms or whatever in Upper Northeastern Novo-Latvo-Sibirsk.
47. Never drink anything whose source you haven't verified. If possible, never drink from anything except your own canteen.
48. Either develop a tremendous alcohol tolerance or don't drink alcohol at all. The first will enable you to hold your own in drinking contests; the second has survival virtues of its own.
49. Pick up some of the basic principles of stage magic, including misdirection and palming techniques. These may come in handy in conjunction with rules 46 or 48, but they're valuable on their own.
50. Something exists in every ecosystem that does not want you to stick your hand into its nice dark cramped space under a rock or inside a woodpile. For your own sake, carry a broom handle or something of that nature and stick that in there FIRST if you have to retrieve something.
51. If there's a hole in the giant statue of the Supernatural Menace that just happens to be the same diameter as a human forearm, for God's sake, make sure it gets filled by the forearm of the Evil Villain!
52. Pick your companions carefully. Make sure part of the initial test involves the chance to steal an explicitly forbidden item. Anyone who goes for it should be left out of the party; sooner or later they'll tell you to throw dem de idol an' dey'll throw you de wheep.
53. You may as well leave your sense of personal dignity in a locker back in the States, because you're not going to have much use for it in most of these adventures. On the other hand, if you're captured by the Evil Villain or Supernatural Menace, you may well want it back. See #1. Cowards die; scared people get laughed at; but people who maintain their dignity in front of their captors have the greatest chance of any captives of escaping or being rescued in spectacular fashion. If you can't manage dignity, controlled defiance is the next best thing.
54. Make damned sure that as many of your party as possible know first aid and can use it - and are willing to use it.
55. Never pick up a snake that's longer than your arm.
56. If you have to pick up a snake that's longer than your arm, ask yourself this question: am I Steve Irwin? If the answer is no, then pick the snake up immediately behind its head, or pick it up with a very long stick. (If the answer is yes, why the hell do you need this list?)
57. Phrase all wishes as carefully, precisely, and exactly as possible.One short sentence with no homonyms or conjunctions, please.
58. No one cares what you look like after six days in the jungle, the desert, the Himalayas, or the Arctic steppes. Pack accordingly.
59. No one can learn all the languages in the world. Don't try to fake being the first to accomplish this feat. It only leads to grief.
60. "Always have an exit plan!" - Q
61. If the person you have just encountered insists on talking to one particular person in your party, or only members of your party who are of a particular gender, don't press the point that they're being rude unless it is absolutely vital that someone else communicate with them.
62. Gender equality is all very noble, but if you really want the privileges/responsibilities/ common courtesy shown to members of the opposite sex, go drag.
63. Practice all your disguises and alternate personae extensively before putting them into play. You want to keep them straight, after all.
64. Stay topped up on all your supplies. Being halfway out of a given item does not mean you still have plenty. It means it's time for you to get more, right now.
65. No talking about overthrowing the evil oppressive monarchical backwards regime until you're out of the monarch's earshot. 65a. Guardsmen, castle servants, and relatives all count as extensions of the monarch's earshot.
66. Similarly, democracy and republican forms of government work great in America, but being loud about how wonderful they are in comparison to the local form of government is a great way to wind up in an Evil Villain's prison.
67. "Never drink any drink with a humourous name. Never drink any drink that changes colour when the last ingredient goes in." - Mustrum Ridcully.
68. Liquid meant for drinking is not supposed to give off smoke.
69. Do not let anyone know you play a musical instrument unless you want to wind up being forced to do it to prevent the Evil Villain from killing somebody or the Supernatural Menace from running amok.
70. Your baggage should contain at least three pounds of extremely strong coffee or very bracing tea. (If you're coming from South America, yerba mate will do as a substitute.) Why? Because under no circumstances should everyone in your party sleep at once - and guaranteed, at least one of you is gonna need chemical help to pull it off.
71. No matter what your sex, learn to go to the bathroom standing up. One word: SPIDERS.
72. In climates and cultures that allow for the wearing of trousers, take them all the way off when you use the toilet. You may have to get up and run at a moment's notice. (If you can't deal with this prospect, consider wearing robes or a kilt or something similar instead of your trousers.)
73. If a supernatural entity - evil or otherwise - offers you a choice between multiple similar items, one of which is your desired goal and the rest of which will kill you, give some consideration to making the supernatural entity your test subject. Should this be impossible or should your conscience not allow it, go back to rule #4 and choose your item based on the lore and appropriate traditions of your mythos.
74. Unless the item you have been searching for, finally found, and nearly lost grants you the ability to fly, don't bother trying to grab it when it falls to a ledge on the side of a bottomless gorge two or three fingers' widths out of your reach.
75. Never make fun of the shaman.
76. No mocking native beliefs, primitive backward superstitions, or anybody's ancestors' ways, either.
77. Captives should not gratuitously irritate their captors unless it is part of a deliberate plan to tick them off to such a degree that a real opportunity to escape presents itself.
78. Pick an incredibly irritating or off-colour song and memorize it. Refresh your memory of it before any bouts of drinking. If your tolerance from rule 48 fails you, it's better to sing all thirty-six verses of "The Hedgehog Can Never Be Buggered At All" in front of local dignitaries and your proposed sweetheart than to decide J. Random Henchman is your new besht fren' and spill all your plans to him.
79. It doesn't matter how desperate the situation is, no puking on the statue of the Goddess of Pestilence.
80. Come to think of it, ALL major excretory and eliminatory functions are to be performed well outside of the precincts of all temples, mosques, churches, shrines, and resting places of the dead.
81. If local royalty expresses admiration for the physique of a member of your party, remember the story of Abraham and Pharaoh*, and see to it that a member of the opposite sex immediately announces that person to be their wedded spouse. (*Pharaoh: Wow, Sarah is pretty. Abraham: (whisper) Sarah, go along with this or he'll kill me and take you away. (aloud) Yeah, she's my sister. Pharaoh: Cool, can I have her? Abraham: Um… okay. (next day) Pharaoh: You schmuck, why didn't you say she was your wife BEFORE the guardian spirit beat me up? Go away, the both of you.)
82. Try not to take it personally when the local royalty, nobility, or other person of power expresses an opinion about your own appearance. Even if it's flattering. ESPECIALLY if it's flattering.
83. Never reject your spouse or significant other unless - UN-LESS - you have personally, directly witnessed them cheating on you, and have irrefutable proof that this cheating was not the result of supernatural, pharmaceutical, or other powerful coercion. And you have made sure that it was really them and not someone else in disguise.
84. Eliminate certain phrases from your vocabulary. "Nothing can stop us now" and "Things can only get better" are good examples. "It can't get any worse", too, and "It could be worse" need to go away - it can, and it will. "I have a bad feeling about this" is just barely acceptable.
85. No taking any containers that have organs in them, or ever had organs in them.
86. Don't touch the Ark of the Covenant.
87. Don't try to get into a sanctuary only permitted to members of a certain religion unless you look like a member of that religion even when stripped naked for an hour.
88. Be wary of anyone who offers to tattoo you with any design you don't recognize.
89. Report all animal bites immediately, unless they come from some animal that is biting every member of your party. Being bitten by mosquitoes in the jungle is not reportable. Being bitten once by a weird-looking bug the size of the end of your thumb, is.
90. The same goes for puncture wounds from inanimate objects that don't seem to have attacked anyone else in your group.
91. Quit complaining about the technological items you had to leave behind.
92. Bring your own toilet paper, especially if you are going into a jungle setting. Your books will be too valuable to pull apart and you don't want to take chances on local leaves.
93. If the locals laugh or smile or otherwise demonstrate amusement when they refer to an animal by a word of their native language, find out why.
94. Don't bother trying to get a suntan. Especially don't bother trying to eliminate tan lines.
95. Salt is valuable, but it's not as important in the desert as you'd think. Keep it as currency rather than eating it.
96. Alcohol is not as much of a friend as you might think, either. Makes a great antiseptic, though.
97. Don't participate in any religious ceremonies until you find out exactly how they end for EVERYONE concerned.
98. If you come upon an area where a local informs you that a particular office is selected each (period of time) by means of a contest of some sort, ask to see the person who held the office before the current incumbent before you even consider trying out for the job.
99. Sudden flashes of pain, sudden hearing of voices, or sudden flashbacks to things you don't remember doing in the first place should all be reported. Your companions have a right to know.
100. If anyone seems particularly reluctant to abide by the warning on a tomb or wall or whatever not to remove any of the contents, make them stand guard instead of coming in with you. Cursed tomb guardians see no difference between the gold filling in the mummy's back molar and the mummy's entire sarcophagus.
101. Assume all snakes are poisonous until you have proof that they are otherwise.
102. Before you suck out the poison, make sure you've decided what's going to happen to the poison once it's out. 'Swallow' is not an option.
103. The Owen "Stonefist" Burnett Memorial Rule: if something claims to confer immortality or healing or other physical improvements when used, test it on an animal first.
104. And if it seems to confer immortality without screwing the test animal up, check to see if the immortality includes an anti-aging package before you use it on yourself.
105. Your heart is inside your body for a reason. See to it that it stays there.
106. Do not scribble on, paint on, or otherwise deface statues or paintings of guardian beings or animals.
107. Translate all the hieroglyphics before following their instructions. And don't translate them out loud, either. Straight to your native language's written text will do just fine.
108. If your face appears on a wall that's older than you are, find out why before taking any further action. This applies to portraits of your own ancestors as much as it does to random paintings or sculptures.
109. Flat, open patches of ground almost never occur in forests or jungles without a bloody good reason.
110. Boil your drinking water first.
111. Unless the local authority figure is outright, demonstrably, undeniably evil, rather than merely selfish, foolish, misguided, or a jerk, take any opportunities that arise to save his or her life without unduly risking your own.
112. Keep your hair close-cropped or neatly trimmed. If it has to be long for cultural or religious reasons, follow the example of the Sikhs and bind it close to your head.
113. Bring a dense, high-bouncing rubber ball with you, and throw it as hard as possible at the floor in any room where instructions for getting to the next room are unnecessarily cryptic. Better to lose the bouncing rubber ball when the floor gives way or the avalanche falls out of the ceiling than a member of your party.
114. Pay all porters, animal tenders, guides, Sherpas, and other attendants well.
115. Treat them nicely, too.
116. Religious symbols should be worn under your clothing until the need arises to do otherwise.
117. "Justice for all" is a relatively new concept, and is unequally applied at best. If you get arrested, don't expect a trial.
118. If you get a trial, get ready to fight your way out of prison.
119. If you get a death sentence, while you're waiting for your execution, pick someone you won't mind spending the rest of the movie with and appeal to them to save you.
120. No sneaking past the guards to the harem unless there's a rescue attempt for someone in your party involved.
121. No shouting or playing of cymbals in mountainous areas.
122. No shouting or playing of cymbals in underground caverns, either.
123. Drinking and the internal combustion engine, in general, don't mix.
124. If you set a slave free, be prepared to add them to your party, but also be aware that some of 'em aren't as unhappy as others and might get stinky with you to the point of violence.
125. If a place has an unusually picturesque name or a name that sounds even vaguely like it might allude to a local myth or legend, find out why.
126. Indigenous medicine is both surprisingly effective and incredibly dangerous. Either way, don't mock it. Or disbelieve in it.
127. Cutlasses belong in scabbards or in your hand, not between your teeth.
128. "Everything grows together, because we're all one piece." Mr. Rogers. If any part of your body starts growing at an unnatural or even unusual rate, have it checked out.
129. Don't stick your head under the bed.
130. As a general rule, avoid areas where people are practicing throwing sharp pointy objects.
131. "Never act incautiously when confronting a little bald wrinkly smiling man!" - Rule One of the History Monks.
132. Anyone who offers to gather mushrooms to go with dinner should be made to eat a randomly selected portion of said mushrooms half an hour before everyone else's dinner is scheduled.
133. If the dog starts barking like crazy in the middle of the night, trust it. Even if you don't see anything at all for it to bark at. The one time you ignore it, you'll wake up to the sight of the Supernatural Menace turning your companions into jerky.
134. If it is forbidden for (insert kind of person) here to touch a particular object, and you are (kind of person), either make (other kind of person) do the touching for you or handle the object through the thickest leather gloves you can find.
135. Come to think of it, big thick leather gloves are just plain good in general. Carry them. Wear them. Use them.
136. Carry about six pairs of eyeglasses per person in the party who wears eyeglasses, so no one has to waste time fumbling about trying to find lost glasses when the Supernatural Menace is advancing on them.
137. Get a post office box before you leave, and let the Evil Villain contend with the Postal Service when s/he attempts to strike at your home front based on the location in your personal documents.
138. Recreational pharmaceuticals, aren't.
139. Do your own cooking whenever possible.
140. "Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain!" - Arthur Weasley
141. Be very, very careful about offers to put your soul somewhere other than its current place of residence.
142. Don't drink and joust.
143. Glass does not provide adequate protection against gunfire.
144. Dead people are supposed to rot. If it's been twenty years and they haven't done so, contact an accredited practitioner of the supernatural arts immediately.
145. Boxes that give off an eerie supernatural light when opened, probably shouldn't be opened. That goes double for boxes that give off eerie supernatural light through cracks.
146. Zippers are good for two things: deflecting extremely small caliber weapons fire, and jamming at the worst possible moment. Give some consideration to button or tie-fastened clothing if the option is available.
147. There is no such thing as a good Grand Vizier.
148. Learn to ride a horse, but don't start thinking you're good at it. That way lies a low-hanging branch with your name on it during the critical chase scene.
149. Nobody is ever actually deaf when you need them to be, so before you start telling the deaf person your secrets, plans, or anything else, ask yourself this question: would I be all right with the rest of the party knowing this? How about the Evil Villain?
150. Nobody's ever actually in their quarters when you need them to be, either, so take care what you say to the person who's waiting on you in private.
151. No unnecessarily criticizing your companions. To anyone. At any time. Nobody ever takes these things the right way, or hears the entire conversation that puts your remark in context. It's just not worth it.
152. If you keep picking at it, it'll never heal. And these movies are not the place for unhealed sores and wounds.
153. It is probably best to ignore the words of anyone who screams out the names of combat maneuvers as they are executing them. The ones who aren't flat-out insane have a nasty tendency to lie, and either way it all ends up with their foot protruding from your eye socket.
154. Questions like 'who's the toughest man in this bar' are meant to be answered by someone. See to it that this person is not you.
155. No one is 'just a cook'. Try 'just a person who is surrounded by extremely sharp objects, large thick heavy pieces of metals with handles, and fire'. You would do well not to upset one of these people - you'll be lucky if all they do is spit in your food.
156. The Chon Wang Memorial Rule: Don't screw around with other people's hair.
157. Refrain from games of chance unless you and your companions have no other choice.
158. Hitchhiking is a good way to get killed, but it's a great shortcut to meeting the minions of the Evil Villain. They always seem to show up when you need a ride somewhere.
159. No one gives a tinker's damn about the Marquis of Queensberry rules, okay?
160. If you step on something and hear a 'click', refrain from moving any further until told how to do so by a competent professional. That is, unless you like being a first-reel casualty.
161. Everyone already knows that you cut the red wire when defusing a bomb, so Evil Villains have gotten a little cleverer about their explosive devices. Cut any wires or threads that have no insulation on them first.
162. When the authorities arrive and ask 'who started this fight', they don't want an answer. They want an excuse to arrest you. Plan accordingly.
163. Giant animals were never meant to be kept as pets.
164. Do not use nicknames for royalty.
165. Do not enter contests of skill, daring, cunning, fortitude, survival, etc. unless you absolutely have to. Showing off without good reason attracts Evil Villains faster than saying 'nothing can stop us now'.
166. Don't even think about entering such contests masked, hooded, or otherwise disguised. Are you Robin Hood? No? Didn't think so.
167. The only way paper walls can protect you against anything is if an accredited practitioner of the supernatural arts has painted charms or sigils on them. Make every effort possible to sleep in an area with walls a little less vulnerable to being sliced open with a butter knife.
168. Don't let the easily frightened person know where you keep the area effect weapons.
169. Make a full and accurate inventory of your available possessions before beginning the construction of any wild schemes or escape plans. It saves grief later.
170. Announcing your nationality in a tight spot, while very patriotic, is more likely to get you trouble than it is to get you special treatment. Unless you are trying to psych yourself up for the stunt you're about to undertake, save it for after you've made it out alive.
171. It's probably a good idea to check up on your plane's pilot every so often, especially if the cockpit has a door that leads anywhere other than into the main cabin of the plane.
172. Pregnancy in these movies can only lead to trouble. Take all reasonable measures to avoid being responsible for one until after the movie is over.
173. Long-distance communication is notoriously unreliable. Do the important stuff first, and do it fast.
174. Be aware of the differences between dialects of any languages that you or others of the party speak. If there's some way that these differences can lead to trouble, rest assured, it will happen.
175. You will never hear anything good about you while eavesdropping, so if you've got to indulge in the habit, eavesdrop on the Evil Villain. True, you might get caught, but at least you'll be doing something that could benefit yourself and your companions.
176. People who wear what you consider pyjamas during daytime are probably either insane, comically separated from their luggage, or capable of ripping your arms out of their sockets with less effort than it takes you to sneeze. Treat them all with the respect you'd give category #3.
177. The greater the difference in age between yourself and a hand-to-hand combat opponent, the more likely you are to get your tuckus kicked in a horribly humiliating way.
178. Never make fun of the fat man.
179. Never make fun of anyone's physical disabilities or deformities. Either they've learned to spectacularly compensate for 'em, or they'll be given some means of making up for their problem before the end of the movie, and either way if you make fun of them you will get hurt.
180. Despite advice to the contrary, if someone asks you if you are a god, say no.
181. Conversely, if someone tries to tell you that you are a god, don't let it go to your head. Relying on this to save your butt will only wind up shattering their religion when you die horribly because of a hubris-related mistake.
182. Phil's Admonition: Kerosene lamps are the most dangerous objects in the world. Knocking just one over can burn down virtually any building not made exclusively from stone.
183. If you find yourself listening to someone else's conversation, stay until the conversation is over. The instant after you leave is the instant where the entire thing gets put into a bearable context.
184. Make no assumptions about the true gender of anyone who you haven't seen completely naked.
185. Always assume your sleeping quarters have been bugged.
186. Narcoleptics make bad sentries.
187. Inspect all newly-received weapons for buttons or triggers in places other than the location of the main button or trigger. Then try to arrange for someone who needs killing to be the one to test this extraneous button, because it rarely means anything good.
188. And whatever else you do… do it with style!
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